[Ugh, it’s been a while. Through late February and early March, I was just too busy with work and applications to write. But then the virus hit and I gave up on having any sort of routine, even a leisurely one for this blog. It’s hard to find anything interesting to observe when you’re stuck in a box.]
Steam is a mess. Of course, it’s been a mess for a long time, at least since the now defunct Steam Greenlight voting system permitted a trickle of low quality indie games onto the platform that has since exploded into a torrent of low-effort, low-value shovelware that crowds out higher-quality releases. Steam has recently begun to clean up its worst offenders but, for the most part, it’s still anything goes.
Sooo, bored inside during quarantine, let’s introduce Hentai Nazi, a typical Unity Engine shovelware game that for some reason floated to the top of my Steam recommendations feed. It’s terrible!
But with nothing else to do during this dull coronavirus lockdown, and leeching off my computer for any inch of entertainment, I impulse bought it. And god damn am I going to get my 89 cents of value out of it, even at 55% off. I finished the game itself in less than an hour though so I’ll need to drag out the entertainment for a little while longer…
Let’s write a ~review~
I don’t know where to start with this nonsense. An anime girl kills Hitler. That’s the whole thin premise. So, let’s just run down the promotional blurb to see how dishonest it is. All spelling and grammar mistakes are original (I guess the developers are Russian? They sell Russian language games and my Russian-fluent brother tells me “mem” is “meme” in Russian):
Hentai Nazi – It’s not just for you, it smells like a groin, it’s an unusual shooter, but to be honest, it’s just a MEM game of the year, love memes? Do you like easter eggs? Do you like various jokes? Ohhh yeah, you love them. Then you just have to go to Hentai Nazi and find EVERYTHING, I repeat EVERYTHING !!! memes, jokes and easter eggs.
I’m just going to leave that without comment. I can’t even make fun of it. It smells like groin? What? It’s uh… moving on ~~~
A variety of weapons;
Two. The game has two weapons — a pistol and a submachine gun — plus a barely functional grenade. Even the enemies all use the same submachine gun as the player. I’m going to call that “variety” a lie.
A variety of mobs (Well, for us, a variety of 🙂 );
One. The game has one enemy, a generic WW2 German soldier. Oh, but well, since the developers have that “for us” there, I supposed I shouldn’t criticize the game here. I can’t call an opinion a lie, no matter how nonsensical. Genius marketing. 🙂
Boss Priest Hitler;
Why is he a priest? Though I can’t prove it, I’m guessing that the developers were too lazy to make a full 3D model of Hitler so they just slapped his head on an existing priest model. That likely makes Hitler the only bit of original content in the game Everything else is typical Unity Engine generic asset flipping.
and much more, we will not spoil you.
Yeah, uh, spoiler warning, I genuinely can’t think of anything more in the game. It’s a small arena with about half a dozen copy-paste houses, a ruined Russian Orthodox Church, a ruined barn, and some fuel silos. Maybe they mean the outhouse? A couple trucks? The statue of Lenin? The misplaced SUV? The game has no secrets or surprises, unless you count the 99 cent nudity patch hidden under Steam’s sexual content filter. You pick up lazy memes, shoot a few trash mobs, and then kill Hitler. That’s it.
Find everything if you are a true lover of MEMES 🙂
I mean, I’m not a true lover of memes but I did find everything. It takes about 20 minutes. And speaking of time, I should mention that the game spams the Wehrmacht marching song Erika on repeat for that entire time. Have I said it’s awful yet? I recommend just turning the sound off.
And that’s it! That’s the full feature list. I have nothing else to say, really. I guess I could mention the bugs (the character will sometimes get stuck on uneven terrain, which forced me to restart my first playthrough) or terrible performance (on my gaming PC that runs Battlefield V no problem, I experienced severe framerate drops) but you won’t play the game long enough for those problems to become frustrating. Faint praise.
So what’s my verdict? For the sale price of 89 cents, sure whatever — it’s a great MEM game (sarcasm, go play Blood and Bacon, a good meme game, instead). But at the full two dollar original price? No way.
Oh! Hey though! If you want to experience the game without purchase, you can find a full five minute gameplay video on Pornhub. No, I’m not joking and no, I’m not going to link it! If you want to see for yourself, it’s on the second page of a blank-profile Google search, even with Safe Search on.
STOMP STOMP STOMP EEERRRIIIKKKAAA.
I’m not even sick and this virus is driving me crazy.